Screwtape’s Tutu Coup

Homage to C.S.Lewis we say “My Dear Wormwood, Tutu!…a real coup”

The Department of Demonics
Cubicle 4, Second Floor Toilets,
Church of England Central Office,
London.

My dear Wormwood
Tutu! Thank-you my dear demonic nephew – a real coup.

It’s been some time now since I moved to working within the Church of England and the brief of making this institution fail in public life by coming across as bitter, twisted and obsolescent continues to be a pretty easy task. They seem to almost lap up the ideas we slip into guidance and memos, almost as if they’re on our side!

However, this month was looking like a bad one for us. That royal funeral gave the enemy quite a profile, set in their big Abbey, their leaders taking centre stage – though one of us had the good idea of getting the Prime Minister to read the most inspiring scripture. Nice touch. Problem is, when it comes to demonics we were upstaged by the hysteria towards someone called “Holly Andphill”, whoever that is.

True, we had a good Summer in which we managed to take the Bishops’ Lambeth Conference with all its concern for global issues and climate change and divert all attention to the antediluvian brigade carping about sexuality. We managed to make it look like a sort of Puritans’ Glastonbury.

But September was proving a quiet month.
Autumn is usually a good month for us – getting Synod to vote against Women Bishops in the run up to Christmas was a coup at the time, even if they did reverse it later. But, this year, I was starting to worry.

There I was, staring at a blank flipchart, when your email pinged. What a brilliant idea – get the Church to ban beloved Archbishop Tutu’s daughter, Mpho Tutu van Furth, from officiating at a funeral. Brilliant. Particularly as it happens to be the funeral of her dear old Godfather. Dear Demon, I could kiss you!

I reckon that one will make the headlines as folks are having their breakfast. (The only bigger turn off at that time of the morning is some of the folks on “Thought for the Day.”) Imagine my joy when I realized that, rather than this being down to some archaic matter of licensing or incumbency, she is an ordained priest so the Church’s ban would be on the basis of her being gay and married…and in a stable and loving relationship, to boot! You’ll have seen the news: we did it.

Of course, with that in place the fun is making sure the response from the Church dug the hole they were in even deeper. Over the years I have found the secret here is to have the Church run away from it’s own principles with some sort of gut realization how messed up it is on this matter.

The tip is to make them think it’s convincing to say “We are in a three year consultation on this” or “there are a range of views,” as if somehow the proverbial person on the Clapham Omnibus, tempted to think “This Church really sounds like a nest of ancient prejudices” will read such a response from the Church and say “Oooh, three year consultation – they must be hot. Think I’ll start going to Church!”

^{The Original against which efforts like this pale}

Nothing beats that moment when the enemy realize they can’t say their party line because of the homophobia it carries, but equally have to say something or run, so they tend to say “We’re doing what someone else tells us to do…” while trying to duck the question, and the whole thing ends up as enjoyable as an antelope and leopards on a BBC Wildlife documentary.

Of course, for this to work, you must isolate the Churchy folks from real people. That way they continue to fail to realize how odious the stance of the Church sounds, until every articulation of it stands out like a fart at a Cenotaph.

Ultimately, the key lesson is to tie up the power to make change. Keep it scared and hiding.  Remember, it’s easier to do this with an institution than an individual. Ossification of this nature takes possession of an institution, and if there’s one thing we both celebrate, it’s the demonic.

Your affectionate uncle,

Screwtape

Huw Thomas

Thanks for reading this. Do read Lewis’s wonderful original.
More blogs here: https://huwnotes.wordpress.com/blogs/
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